I am delighted to hear you are shuch a fan, believe me, I go to great lengths to ensure that people like you have a good night and sometimes day as well. I understand your grievences but have to point out that there are a number of things that I do for you and the above is a small price to pay for my superior service.
1. Dancing - I hope you appreciate that when sober your dancing is at best bad. I transform you into a smooth finger clicking foot shuffling dancing genius whom all the girls just can't wait to get in bed with. This point also extends to ability at any sport that increases when inebriated, especially the macho ones such as arm wrestling.
2. Drinking ability - The more you indulge in me, the better drinker I make you until you feel like you can drink anyone under the table, even that russian woman who we don't talk about.
3. Beer goggles - simple, drink pleanty of alcohol and the number of attractive women around you doubles instantly
4. Beer Jacket - If none of them will keep you warm, I will.
5. Someone has to hug the toilet, and I give you enough courage to do it in front of everyone.
6. Finally, you're not going to get laid while you're sober are you?
Just to respond to a couple of points you made above, have you ever considered that you're not at all clumsy when drunk? It is simply the room moving unpredictably and if I hadn't made you into a highly tuned athelete when drunk, you would fall down immediately. You are however miraculously able to balance for a while before having a need to get your face as close as possible to the floor. I resent your point about hangovers. I do not induce hangovers. What makes you feel bad is that you no longer have any alcohol in you, don't blame me for you being unwilling to carry on drinking in the morning, if you carry on drinking, I will look after you but if you stop, that's your bad.
I hope that we can continue to be the best of friends.